Sometimes I make a mistake and overanalyze situations that don’t need to be analyzed at all, and sometimes I make the mistake of not analyzing a situation for fear of making the first mistake and then get surprisingly hurt in the end. I’m not sure if it’s a blessing or a character flaw that I have the gift of interpreting peoples’ actions or not. Most of the time I’m right about my feelings but every once in awhile I make a grave mistake.
I tend to try and view the positives from every angle and as a result I try to view the best qualities of people and ignore the bad ones. I become hurt, angry, and confused when something happens that seems like it came out of the blue, time and time again. The truth is, it may not have come out of the blue, but I missed the signs.
When will I learn that everyone’s not naïve, not kind, not virtuous? I find that getting hurt by a Christian hurts worse. While some of them think they are doing the right thing, some of them have taken a part of scripture to interpret the way they choose and manipulate it to fit their situation. They use this scripture to justify their actions to hurt another.
Don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying that all Christians are bad, and in fact, I am one. I believe wholeheartedly that there are good Christians, mediocre Christians, informed and uninformed Christians, and bad “Christians”, while there are also good, mediocre, informed and uninformed, and bad people with no faith, in the world. I just think that somehow it hurts worse when a Christian hurts us. We think that because they profess a higher calling that they wouldn’t do this sort of thing. Of course, that’s not true. They are all human. Every human sins, as it is in our nature.
Obviously, I shouldn’t make judgments about people, make assumptions, or even overanalyze. I don’t want to make the mistake of misjudging a good person. In fact, I don’t want to damage anyone, because I have been damaged, broken, misled, and hurt too many times before. If anyone knows how that feels, I do.
But the question I truly ask myself is, why? Why do I trust people so much, even after I’ve been hurt too many times? I also wonder if it’s a good thing, or a bad thing. My guess that trusting people is a gift that God has given me, to see the best in people, though it feels like a bad thing sometimes when that trust is broken and I’m hurt all over again.
As a result, I have a hard time opening up anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not fake with anyone. I’m genuine with everyone; because while I don’t like being lied to, I’m sure others don’t like it either. But I’m usually quick to speak (landing a foot in my mouth), quick to think, and it gets me in trouble. When I do speak, though, I wonder if it’s just empty chatter to avoid the real feelings, the real fears, and the true and deep sadness that lies within me. The awkwardness of silence is too difficult for me. I’d be silent, except there’s just so much I feel the need to say. I wonder if it’s even possible for me to be silent, anyway.
But, I see these as flaws and great qualities, as character that works in tandem with each other. Only God knows what he gave me these qualities for. I hope one day he reveals that to me. I also hope that one day I won’t have to wonder about the relationships I have with people anymore. I’m tired of not knowing who I can trust and who I can’t. Not being able to discern that has caused me to sometimes become judgmental, which is clearly a character flaw and one that doesn’t please the Lord, either. But admitting it is the first step to a grand plan that God has to restore and reshape me into the image he has designed for me.
