Sometimes I feel alienated. When I go to the store and Caleb throws one of his fits over something like the lights being too bright, something smells bad, there’s too much noise, or even something silly like wanting out of the cart; I get a lot of stares. You know what I’m talking about. You’ve probably been guilty of staring at a parent with an unruly child that doesn’t listen and wonder why don’t they just give their child a swift spanking and move on? Or at least, many of us have. I don’t do that anymore, because now I’m aware that not all children are throwing a fit to be ornery.

So anyway, back to my point, Caleb’s throwing a large fit, parents are staring at me, and I feel like there is this big spotlight on me. Eventually when things  are better, and Caleb’s done an excellent job of braving it through the store, I give him a treat. I often feel at that moment that there are people staring at me and thinking, “Well that explains everything. The kid cries long enough and then the mom simply rewards him. That’s what’s wrong with our society these days. Kids don’t get punished enough. If I’d done that my mom would have marched me and all my sisters out of the store with not one thing!” Perhaps most people aren’t thinking this and maybe a lot of them don’t even notice, but those initial stares, whispers, and general looks of disapproval make me feel alienated. I feel like the bad parent, like someone who doesn’t belong. Nobody wants to bother the lady with the loud kid. Also, the checkers look at me sympathetically and try to get me out of the store as quickly as possible, probably also so I’ll stop bothering their other patrons. Again, I feel alienated.

I’ve remedied this problem a little bit by making Caleb a hat that has the Autism puzzle pieces on it. I always get compliments on his hat when he’s wearing it and I’ve noticed that I get less stares and less puzzled looks when it’s on, too. Perhaps that’s because people recognize, “Hey, there’s something different about that kid.”

My very favorite (note that dripping with sarcasm) comment that many people say to me is, “Your child looks fine. He’s not banging his head against a wall…” I can’t help but think in response, “You’ve spent 5 minutes with him, how could you possibly diagnose him in that time?” or “You’re not a doctor, are you? Shut it!” or “Actually, he does bang his head against the wall sometimes, just not today.” Or at other times I want to say, “No, but questions like this make ME bang my hand against the wall.”

Do I sound fed up? That’s because I am. I’m so tired of everyone thinking that they are a psychologist or a brain doctor. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my son has Autism. Why? Because I spend almost every hour of every day with him. I’m not desperate for him to have a diagnosis, and I certainly don’t like the challenges it brings, but I’m not going to minimize who Caleb is just because it would be easier for me to deal with.

As a mom, it breaks my heart that other people misunderstand Autism so much. It breaks my heart that sometimes Caleb won’t have a chance to show people who he really is because they will be blinded by his diagnosis. But as that same mom, I’m so enthusiastically proud of my son for everything he does, especially because a lot of the time he’s overcome a mountain getting there.

The other thing a lot of people don’t understand or even tell you about Autism, is that it doesn’t mean a child with Autism will be stupid or dumb. In fact, Caleb’s quite smart. For example, did you know that Caleb puts my shoes, and his shoes on the right feet? That’s right, he doesn’t ever get them backwards. It dawned on me today that he never puts his shoes on backwards and so as a test, I threw my shoes off my feet in the middle of the floor and asked him to bring them back to me and put them on my feet. I didn’t move my feet so as to not give him cues. He picked them up and brought them to me and set them in front of the correct feet. To test the theory again, Matt did the same thing and he did the exact same thing. Not a lot of 3 year olds know which shoes go on which feet. But Caleb does! He knows the entire alphabet by sound and sight. He knows what sounds most of the letters make and he can count to thirty and recognize up to ten by sight, as well. We are working on reading and adding right now. He partially read a phonics book to me!

Caleb’s intelligence astounds me. He does things I never thought were possible and says words that amaze me. He thinks and comes up with solutions that I never would have dreamed of all by himself. I’m not going to stop or limit him, either. He can do anything he wants to, because nobody is going to tell him that he can’t!

I was told by my in-laws recently that they are proud of me and my husband for the way that we respond to Caleb. They, like many people, are still somewhat unsure of how to respond to him when he is throwing  a fit. To which my answer is this, patience and discerning. The two most powerful things in my arsenal are the gift of discerning the difference between a tantrum and a genuine need and patience. Does that mean I’m patient all the time? Nope! Far from it. 90% of the time I want to rip every hair out of my head.

For example, Caleb says to me, “where are my shoes?” I responded, “By your bed.” He says, “by the bed” and points in some random direction. “No, Caleb, your shoes are by your bed.” “By the bed,” he says. I ask, “Caleb, do you know where your bed is?” He says, “Where’s the bed?” I say, “Do you know where your bed is? Yes or No?” He says, “Yes or No.” I respond, “No Caleb, Yes OR No.” Caleb says, “Yes or No”. At this point, the conversation has gone completely the wrong direction, he still doesn’t know where his shoes are and I’m frustrated to tears. The truth is Caleb actually knows where his bed is, what his bed is, what his shoes are, and how to respond with yes or no, but he lacks the ability to understand even the basic of instructions from me. He’s getting better at it, but it drives me crazy!

Back to how I know that Caleb has Autism. There’s really not a pat way I can explain this. It’s a long list of ways I know, but here are a few. He flaps his hands. When he’s excited and he jumps up and down and he flaps his hands a million times, he looks like a little bird that can’t learn to fly. Sometimes he looks like he’s going to take off in a whirl because he twirls when he does it, too. He hits himself in the face. And it hurts, but he does it because he’s angry and frustrated and can’t get across what he needs. He throws himself on the floor, hard, and unaware of the danger it poses. He doesn’t understand spatial awareness. He constantly runs into people, things, etc. I’m constantly on the lookout of danger that he might run into. For example, most three year olds may not look for cars when they cross the street, but they know they can’t run out in the street, either. Caleb would without hesitation. He has a speech delay and a cognitive delay. He doesn’t follow basic instructions because he doesn’t understand them. He stares at wheels and components of toys repeatedly to see how they work rather than playing with the toys. He lines up toys or cards on the floor, rather than using them for their intended use. He’s compulsive, and compulsively turns lights on and off, moves cars back and forth, etc. He has a hard time making friends. He follows other kids to try to play with them, but they can’t explain to him what they are doing and he doesn’t understand what they are saying, so he doesn’t really play with them, just follows them around. He doesn’t understand most social situations either. He didn’t point and still doesn’t really do it with any regularity. To have us do what he wants he places our hand on the object he wants or wants us to fix. He doesn’t actively play with us. He plays by himself isolated and refuses (most of the time) to let us join. For the longest time, I was literally only there to get him what he needed.

One of the biggest things I have noticed effects me about being a mom of a child with Autism is that it’s really hard to be around regular kids or listen to their parents talk about them. A few of my friends on Facebook have toddlers and they’ll prattle on about how their child started talking about this thing they learned at church, or they learned how to do x thing at home, or they asked for x thing at the store, etc. etc. A lot of these things their children are doing are age appropriate and Caleb’s never done them. It’s so hard to realize and be reaffirmed time and time again that your child is different and not normal.

So here’s what you need to know about Autism:

1. Just because you can’t see it in the grocery store, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Spending 5 minutes with a child or even a half hour doesn’t mean you can diagnose them. Caleb went through many tests and therapies before being diagnosed, but even the doctor that diagnosed him saw it in ten minutes. Caleb presented all the signs to him in a ten minute session. After a long look at his tests/records and a talk with me, he made a diagnosis. To this day, I feel like it’s the right diagnosis. I suspected it at the age of 12 months. Caleb just wasn’t developing normally.

2. A child with Autism is really just a child. They want to be loved, played with, and they want to share themselves with you. Sometimes they don’t know how. Just because you don’t know how to play with them, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

3. Autism is extremely unique in each case. Just because you have seen one case before doesn’t mean it’ll be the same as the next case you see. Each child presents it in a unique way. They do different things. Therefore, not every child on the spectrum bangs his/her head on the wall.

4. Autism really is a spectrum. We are blessed that Caleb is high functioning. He is delayed, but he is expected to be able to progress through life like others his age. Some children are less fortunate and are low-functioning. Their parents may have to care for them forever.

5. Children with Autism are really picky food eaters. This makes getting together really difficult. I promise, I make him try everything but there are really about 5 foods he likes to eat.

6. Many children with Autism are not potty trained until much later than most kids. This is frustrating because I’ve been told about every potty training method known to man. I realize that most kids are already potty trained. I know that he’s really old to be wearing diapers, and I’m also aware that I could force him to sit on the toilet for a million hours, but what I’m saying is that it won’t make a difference if he’s not ready. I really wish I could tell everyone to leave me alone about it, but I know that most people are trying to be helpful.

7. Just because my child has Autism, does not mean he’s retarded. Yes, someone actually did call my child retarded. I was burning with the fire of a thousand suns and it took every ounce of restraint I had not to physically harm this person. Whether or not I believe in karma, this person is being punished, because he is in jail now for something unrelated. I learned an important lesson, I will always want to advocate for my son, especially when he can’t advocate for himself, but it’s not my right to punish the ignorant people in the world. God is just and does that on his own.

8. Not all children with Autism don’t like being touched. In fact, Caleb’s just the opposite. He loves being touched and craves it. Along with Autism, comes sensory problems, including problems with taste, texture, smells, hearing, etc. This is why Caleb shields his eyes in the store. There is too much input, too many things to focus on, too many lights. It’s overwhelming for him.

Hopefully that helps you with the child in your life, while my perspective can shed a little light on how I’m feeling. Perhaps if your child has just been diagnosed, then you can know what to expect to feel, too. I imagine I’m not the only one who feels this way.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

2 Corinthians 5:21 NIV God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Phillipians 4:13 KJV I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.

Now I live in a one bedroom apartment and am going to post my list below, but you may want to add some things or take off some things depending on the type of space you have. I suggest you light a pumpkin candle, get a good cup of coffee, and turn on some music. It also helps if your kids and your husband are not at home, for maximum efficiency.

Kitchen

- Do general pick up and cleaning in the room before starting the deep clean. This will help keep your regular messes from interfering with your cleaning.

- Start with your pantry. First, go through all of the old food in your cupboard, is any of it expired? THROW IT OUT! Next, decide if there is anything your family absolutely won’t eat. Set this aside to be donated to the nearest food bank. When you are done with that, take things one shelf at a time. I like to organize them by type. I use a shelf for baking products, a shelf for canned food, a shelf for noodles, rice, and bread products, a shelf for snacks, and a shelf for breakfast cereal and oatmeal. Pull the items off the shelf, wipe it down, and then replace them in an orderly fashion. I won’t give you instructions for that. I’m sure you have a system you like. If you don’t, then the way I do it is to sort by food type. For example, I have a lot of canned beans, tomato sauce, etc. I put all of the same types of beans together, all of the tomato items together, all the soup together. It just minimizes confusion when you are looking for something for dinner.

- Next, move on to your refrigerator. Get rid of old papers, notices, pictures, magnets, etc. on the fridge that you don’t use or don’t care for anymore. Wipe down the front of the fridge. You may opt to pull the fridge out and sweep  and mop underneath. I don’t do this because I can’t move my fridge. Open the fridge and toss anything that’s expired, shouldn’t be eaten, or has been in the fridge for an unsafe period of time. Make sure there isn’t anything in there that you won’t eat anymore, if there is, toss it. I like to put my drinks on one shelf, my lunch and leftover items on another, produce in the drawer, and meat items that are thawing on the bottom shelf. I never put meat on the top shelf because of the potential for it to drip on items below. Take the time to wipe off the shelves, wipe out the egg keeper, the butter keeper, and the front of the fridge where the door sits. Then open the freezer and repeat the process. I also like to dust off the top of my refrigerator because believe it or not… it gets REALLY gross!

- The next thing to do is go through your drawers. I have a silverware drawer, Junk/Utensil drawer, and two drawers that hold container lids and ziploc baggies, napkins, etc. Take the time to go through them and toss anything that is old and unuseable (i.e. old birthday candles, junk that you won’t use, etc.). If there is something that is salvageable that you don’t want, place it in a donation box for your local Salvation Army or Goodwill. When you are all finished sorting, place everything neatly back in the drawers.

- Go through your cabinets and put any pans that you won’t or don’t use (you know the one that Aunt Sally bought for your wedding 15 years ago that you’ve used once? Time to go!) into the donation box. Arrange things neatly and make sure there aren’t any crumbs or anything that’s spilled in the cabinet.

- Wipe off your dishwasher and take the time to run a clean cycle if you can.

- Are there any appliances on your counter tops that you haven’t used in two weeks (or a month? Or six months?)? See if you can find a place to put them in the cupboards so that they are not taking up valuable counter space.

- Wipe down the inside and the outside of your microwave. Clean tip: Use a container of water, set for a few minutes to make it hot, and let it sit inside the microwave. The steam will help loosen gunk!

- Wipe the counters down, making sure to get under appliances, around the edges, and especially around the sink.

- Toss old sponges, which are a harbor for nasty bacteria.

- Clean out the sink and wipe it down until it looks polished.

- Wipe the front of the oven door. Put it through a clean cycle if you have time. Take the boiler plates out and soak them. Then try to scrub them off. If you are like me and they have been there for awhile and you can’t get them clean, I’ve been told that you can buy a new set for cheap. That might save time and be worth it if the cost of the cleaner will outweigh the cost of a new set.

- Underneath my sink is where I keep my cleaner. Go through your cleaners (and other misc. stuff under the sink) and toss things that are old, pretty much gone, and cleaners that you don’t use anymore. Organize the ones you have. If you have small children, try to get some mr. yuk stickers and/or put cabinet locks on your cupboard.

- Also, wipe down wall hangings with windex and clean the outside of appliances, as necessary.

- Last but not least, sweep and mop your kitchen, taking extra care to get in all the corners, wiping dust off baseboards, and wiping down walls (if there are spills). Make sure that your kitchen trash gets taken out and then wash the trashcan if it needs it.

Bedroom

- Take the sheets off of the beds and put them in the dirty laundry. Put clean sheets on the beds and make the beds so that they are completely wrinkle free. Replace the pillowcases, as well.

- Place the clean laundry on the bed for folding later.

- Take any dirty laundry out of the room and place it in a laundry basket or hamper (ideally, you should be running laundry while you are cleaning…).

- Put away any clutter or things that need picking up before moving onto the next steps.

- Is your closet used for storage? What’s being stored there? If there is anything you are unlikely to use then donate it, sell it, or put it in the trash. For example, I have tons of baby things from when my son was born. I listed what was sellable on Craigslist and the rest is going to Goodwill. It freed up TONS of closet space! Organize the rest.

- Go through your drawers in your nightstands and toss or donate items that you won’t use. Organize the rest.

- Dust off all surfaces, including underneath jewelry boxes, clocks, radios, etc.

- Use windex to wipe down the windows and windowsill. If there is mold in the windows or along the track, consider using bleach to keep it at bay. Mom-tip: Use “Damp-Rid”, a moisture absorber, to keep the mold at bay. So far, we’ve had ours for a week or two and it’s already absorbed tons of moisture!

- Go through the dresser drawers and weed out clothes that are too small, old, have holes, or are no longer being worn. Sort them into the trash and donate bins. Fold the rest and put them back in the drawers in an organized manner.

- Vacuum the carpets or sweep/mop if you have hardwoods.

- Optionally, you can dust the tops of picture frames, wipe the pictures down with windex, sort old jewelry in the jewelry boxes, put old clothes in space saver bags, and/or repaint if these are things you need to do at your house.

Okay, that’s it for today. I’ll post another post another day about deep cleaning your craft room and family room. Stay tuned!

I tend to try and view the positives from every angle and as a result I try to view the best qualities of people and ignore the bad ones. I become hurt, angry, and confused when something happens that seems like it came out of the blue, time and time again. The truth is, it may not have come out of the blue, but I missed the signs.

When will I learn that everyone’s not naïve, not kind, not virtuous? I find that getting hurt by a Christian hurts worse. While some of them think they are doing the right thing, some of them have taken a part of scripture to interpret the way they choose and manipulate it to fit their situation. They use this scripture to justify their actions to hurt another.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying that all Christians are bad, and in fact, I am one. I believe wholeheartedly that there are good Christians, mediocre Christians, informed and uninformed Christians, and bad “Christians”, while there are also good, mediocre, informed and uninformed, and bad people with no faith, in the world. I just think that somehow it hurts worse when a Christian hurts us. We think that because they profess a higher calling that they wouldn’t do this sort of thing. Of course, that’s not true. They are all human. Every human sins, as it is in our nature.

Obviously, I shouldn’t make judgments about people, make assumptions, or even overanalyze. I don’t want to make the mistake of misjudging a good person. In fact, I don’t want to damage anyone, because I have been damaged, broken, misled, and hurt too many times before. If anyone knows how that feels, I do.

But the question I truly ask myself is, why? Why do I trust people so much, even after I’ve been hurt too many times? I also wonder if it’s a good thing, or a bad thing. My guess that trusting people is a gift that God has given me, to see the best in people, though it feels like a bad thing sometimes when that trust is broken and I’m hurt all over again.

As a result, I have a hard time opening up anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not fake with anyone. I’m genuine with everyone; because while I don’t like being lied to, I’m sure others don’t like it either. But I’m usually quick to speak (landing a foot in my mouth), quick to think, and it gets me in trouble. When I do speak, though, I wonder if it’s just empty chatter to avoid the real feelings, the real fears, and the true and deep sadness that lies within me. The awkwardness of silence is too difficult for me. I’d be silent, except there’s just so much I feel the need to say. I wonder if it’s even possible for me to be silent, anyway.

But, I see these as flaws and great qualities, as character that works in tandem with each other. Only God knows what he gave me these qualities for. I hope one day he reveals that to me. I also hope that one day I won’t have to wonder about the relationships I have with people anymore. I’m tired of not knowing who I can trust and who I can’t. Not being able to discern that has caused me to sometimes become judgmental, which is clearly a character flaw and one that doesn’t please the Lord, either. But admitting it is the first step to a grand plan that God has to restore and reshape me into the image he has designed for me.

Mattheu then said, “I just got trolled by my 3 year old son…” This was too cute not to share.

Every Sunday, I’m going to discuss what I’m reading in the Bible, my bible study books, and my memorization scriptures. I have decided to begin with James for two reasons. One, it reminds me that while we are guaranteed to go through trials, we will benefit from those trials in some way. Two, there is a lot of good instruction in James about what we say, where our words come from, and what those words that we say, say about us.

This weeks scripture is James 1: 1-8. 

1 James, a bondservant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes which are scattered abroad: Greetings. 2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. NKJV

I have chosen to memorize scripture as I go along, approximately one verse per day. But that may change as the verses get longer. So far, I’ve learned verses 1-3. I will probably podcast me saying these verses every week. I really hope you will join me in memorizing scripture. We are going to take two weeks to memorize these scriptures. This week, I’m going to discuss my views on James 1:1-3 and next week I will address my views on James 1:4-8. I would like to note here that these are my views on the Bible based on what I have heard in church, what I have studied from other sources, and what God leads me to believe when I’m studying. I have not studied theology and I am no expert. If you do feel that I have misunderstood or have gotten it wrong, please send me an email!

So, what exactly is James saying here? In verse one, James is identifying himself. He notes that he is the author, and that he is a bondservant of God and of Christ. What is a bondservant? Here, dictionary.com notes that a bondservant is someone that is bonded like a slave. We are bondservants to Christ because he paid our deaths for us. James is identifying that he is a Christian, someone indebted to Christ. He then identifies who he is writing his letter to. He is writing his letter to the twelve tribes which are scattered. There is much discussion and confusion amongst the Bible community about who these twelve tribes are. I’m not qualified to decide what James meant while writing this letter. I don’t have a theological degree, however, I’ll do more research this coming week to see if I can decide for myself exactly what James was talking about. For now, I’m going to reference them as the twelve tribes.

Next in verse two, James goes on to say, “My Brethren,” to which I believe he is referring to other believers within these twelve tribes that he’s referring to. He says, “Count it all joy when you fall into various trials,” in other words, rather than curse God for the trials that you have fallen into, you are to consider all problems and troubles in your life as joy. We are to be joyful for the problems that have been put before us!! How difficult it is for me and many of us to consider our problems joyfully!

Why are we to consider our problems joyfully? In verse 3, James addresses this. We are to consider it joyfully because we know that when our faith is tested it produces patience. Patience is considered a virtue or actually as shown in scripture to be a fruit of the spirit in Galatians 5:22-23. So, considering our problems joyfully can help us become more patient people and thus, show fruit. Fruit shows non-Christians through our actions that we are Christians and that something is different about us. It’s how we identify who Christ’s followers are.

This Week’s Study Book is The Worn Out Woman by Dr. Steve Stephens and Alice Grey

I have read the prologue and Chapter 1 as of this last week. Dr. Steve Stephens and Alice Grey are discussing women that are worn out. Many women feel like they don’t have enough time to spread between their families, church,  jobs, house, and hobbies. It’s true. There are so many expectations that we feel like we must do, and it comes to a point in which we just don’t have enough time. Many of these women (myself included) feel worn out, depressed, exhausted, etc. In the prologue the two authors talk about how they’ve come to write this book and why they believe it’s a necessity. In chapter 1, they help you determine whether or not you are worn out. According to their questions, I’d be considered SEVERELY worn out. I’m supposed to choose something to do from each of the lists at the end of the prologue and chapter 1 to help myself relax and become less worn out. This book is intended to rejuvenate your mind, body, and soul. I have chosen to spend an hour or two doing something I love (reading) and find a way to celebrate my accomplishments towards lessening the stress in my life. I haven’t found something to do yet for the second one. I’ll make sure to mention it next week, when I do.

So, that’s it for this week! Please leave me a comment about something that’s stressing you out or a trial that you are having a hard time joyfully considering. We all struggle with this one!

Today was rather uneventful in terms of what I did. I have had a migraine for at least 24 hours, so I haven’t been feeling well. Today has mostly been about vegging, spending time with my  husband and just generally trying to feel better. Oh, and I entered a bunch of giveaways and also put in for some free samples. I should have some fun stuff coming my way.

Anyway, while I’m ashamed of the number of WIPs I have, I’m going to cast on a very simple arm warmer for easy knitting. Does anyone have a recommendation for cute arm warmers? I’m looking for literal arm warmers, not gloves or fingerless mitts.

That’s about it for today. Sorry to be so short and boring. Hopefully I’ll have something more fun for you tomorrow!